Relationships can be complicated. As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I’ve seen my fair share of ups and downs. While every relationship has its challenges, there are some behaviors that go beyond normal issues and could indicate more serious problems down the road. These “red flags” are important to recognize early so you can address them before real damage is done.

In my work, I’ve identified 15 major red flags that should not be ignored in a relationship. I’ve drawn these red flags from research as well as real-life examples from clients. My goal is to help you identify potential pitfalls so you can either work to resolve them or make the difficult decision to move on from a toxic situation.

1. Inconsistency Between Words and Actions

One of the first red flags I advise couples to look out for is inconsistency between what their partner says and what they actually do. For example, they may claim to be ready to commit long-term but then act evasive when it comes time to meet each other’s families. Or they say they love you but their actions communicate distance and disinterest.

I once counseled a woman who was dating a man for over a year who kept promising to introduce her to his family. But there was always an excuse — they were out of town, it wasn’t a good time, he wanted to wait until after a holiday. His words said commitment but his actions didn’t back it up, which was understandably upsetting and confusing for my client.

In a healthy relationship, your partner’s words and behavior should align. Consistency builds trust. If you notice a persistent disconnect, address it directly with them to understand why. It could be a simple miscommunication or it could reveal a deeper issue like fear of commitment.

2. Lack of Compromise

Compromise is essential for a relationship to thrive long-term. You and your partner won’t always see eye-to-eye — and that’s okay. The key is being able to communicate, listen to each other’s perspectives, and find solutions that work for both of you.

I’ve worked with couples where one partner refuses to compromise, insisting on getting their way in decisions big and small. This rigidity can stem from immaturity or an unwillingness to empathize with their partner’s needs. It creates an unhealthy power dynamic that leads to resentment.

I once counseled a couple where the wife wanted to buy a vacation home but the husband insisted all extra income should go towards retirement savings. She refused to consider any middle ground, like saving a portion for retirement while allocating some for a down payment. Her inflexibility put a huge strain on the marriage.

A healthy relationship requires give and take on both sides. If one partner consistently digs in their heels, it’s a major red flag. Address it by having an open discussion focused on understanding each other’s priorities. With work, compromise is possible. But if they remain stubbornly rigid, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.

3. Disrespectful Communication

The third big red flag I tell clients to watch for is communication that feels disrespectful or hurts your self-esteem. This could include insults, belittling comments, criticism that feels more destructive than constructive, or hurtfully sarcastic humor.

Disrespect manifests differently from couple to couple. For some, it may show up as dismissiveness, like ignoring opinions or making “jokes” that mock accomplishments and goals. Other times, it’s more overt cruelty in the form of verbal abuse.

A client of mine began dating someone who constantly made biting, sarcastic jokes targeting her insecurities. She tried to laugh it off at first until she realized how much it was affecting her self-confidence. That type of hurtful humor signaled deeper issues with meanness and a lack of empathy.

Our partners should make us feel loved, supported, and empowered — never the opposite. Though sometimes unintended, consistent disrespectful communication must be addressed. Explain how their words affect you and set clear boundaries. If their harmful behavior continues, it may be time to let go. You deserve to feel valued.

4. Sudden Over-the-Top Displays of Affection

Developing feelings for someone is an exciting experience! In new relationships, it’s only natural to want to lavish each other with affection. But be wary if demonstrations of devotion become extreme before you’ve had a chance to really get to know each other. Known as “love bombing,” smothering you with praise, gifts, and promises of lifelong commitment right off the bat may seem flattering at first but should raise suspicions.

I once worked with a client who after a few dates was besieged by her new boyfriend with dozens of roses, mixed CDs, handwritten poems, and declarations of being “soulmates” when they’d barely gotten to know each other yet. It made her very uncomfortable, especially as his over-the-top gestures were often followed by periods of needy demands for her time and attention.

This type of excessive affection right from the start is usually an attempt to fast-track emotional intimacy. It may be motivated by insecurity or even narcissism. While not always a deal breaker, it’s important to slow things down, communicate your boundaries, and get to know each other at a healthy pace. Pay close attention to any shift in demeanor when you do.

5. Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness

It’s natural to feel a little jealous sometimes when your partner interacts with others. But extreme jealousy and controlling behavior is a huge red flag I urge people to watch for. Excessive check-ins when you’re apart, interrogations about who you’re with, accusations of flirting or cheating with no basis in reality – these are all very unhealthy signs.

I counseled a young woman whose boyfriend would demand she immediately return his calls and texts even when she was at work. If she didn’t, he would accuse her of being with other men. He also forbidden her from going out with friends without him present because he thought she would meet someone new. His irrational jealousy destroyed her social life and eventually her self-esteem.

Possessiveness like this is about control, not love. If confronted, an extremely jealous partner may promise to change but often the behaviors continue and escalate over time. While professional help can sometimes make a difference, in many cases this extreme insecurity requires ending the relationship entirely.

6. Dishonesty

To build a strong foundation, a relationship needs openness, honesty and trust. Watch for signs of deception like catching your partner in outright lies, inconsistencies in their stories, omitting important information, or covering their tracks about how they spend their time.

I counseled a man who was seriously dating someone for months before discovering she was still legally married and hiding it from him. She’d spun an elaborate story to explain why she wasn’t yet divorced that he wanted to believe, willfully ignoring red flags like her request to never meet at her home. While difficult, uncovering her ongoing dishonesty was necessary to protect himself and end the relationship.

Not every lie is a deal breaker – sometimes dishonesty early on comes from simply wanting to impress someone new. But consistent deception on important matters must be addressed for the relationship to move forward. Gently confront them about why they feel the need to be untruthful. Rebuilding broken trust takes time but it can be done if both partners are truly committed.

7. Unpredictable Mood Swings

Everyone has bad days where they may seem a little more irritable or sensitive. But extreme unpredictable mood swings are a concern. I advise clients to take note if their partner alternates drastically between positive and negative emotional extremes, especially in ways that feel unstable or irrational.

For example, one day showering you with affection and gifts for no occasion and the next picking a fight and cutting off communication over something small. Or acting cheerful one moment and bursting into tears the next. Mood swings that feel unprovoked or disproportionate to the situation at hand indicate a lack of emotional regulation.

If confronted, they may blame external circumstances like work stress. But improving mood stability takes self-awareness and a willingness to work on communication and emotional intelligence. Unmanaged, this volatility can become exhausting over time, negatively impacting the health of the relationship.

8. Substance Misuse

Substance use exists on a spectrum, from social drinking to full addiction. An occasional drink or recreational drug use with friends may not be cause for concern. However, clear misuse and abuse is a major red flag I tell clients must be addressed.

Signs may include frequently drinking to excess, using substances alone to cope with stress or emotions, continuing to use despite negative consequences, financial issues due to spending on substances, irrational behavior while intoxicated, and an inability to stop.

As a relationship coach, I’ve seen addiction badly damage partnerships. Loved ones often enable problem drinking or drug use inadvertently by making excuses or shielding the user from consequences. While supportive, true change requires honesty. The user must take responsibility by admitting they have a problem and seeking professional treatment. A relationship with an addict who refuses help requires setting firm boundaries or ending entirely for your own well-being.

9. Anger Issues

Occasional anger when communicating about disagreements is normal. But frequent uncontrolled outbursts, rage, or taking frustrations out on you physically by throwing items, punching walls, or worse is alarming behavior.

I once counseled a woman whose partner’s unmanaged anger destroyed property when he felt criticized or ignored, even when her concerns were communicated calmly. His refusal to take responsibility showed an inability to regulate emotions healthily. Their fights escalated over time as his unchecked aggression worsened.

Anger issues often stem from past trauma and reflect poor coping mechanisms. While counseling can help overcome these patterns, the violent expression of anger must stop entirely. Make it clear that while you want to support them in seeking help, these behaviors will not be tolerated. If not addressed immediately, uncontrolled rage can become abusive. Your safety must come first.

10. Self-Centered Perspective

Relationships require seeing each other’s point of view, not just our own. Watch for signs your partner consistently struggles to empathize or only sees how situations impact them. Self-absorption tends to manifest as making everything about “me” and “my” feelings without consideration for a partner’s needs or struggles.

For example, I worked with a woman whose partner was laid off from his job and came to rely on her financially. When she tried to discuss her stress about taking on extra work to pay their bills solo, he always flipped the conversation back to his anxiety about being unemployed. An inability to recognize how his self-pity made supporting him even harder showed a complete self-focus.

Early on, this type of self-centered perspective may just seem a bit immature. But left unmanaged, the refusal to put yourself in your partner’s shoes will breed resentment over time. Explain how their self-focus makes you feel unappreciated and unheard. If met with defensiveness or denial instead of understanding, it may be time to rethink the relationship.

11. Isolation from Friends and Family

When entering a new relationship, it’s normal to want to spend most of your free time together in those blissful early days. But be wary if your partner tries to cut you off from family and friends, wants you all to themselves, and pressures you to stop seeing people important to you.

A client I worked with began dating someone who slowly but persistently severed her ties to loved ones. He discouraged her from attending her weekly cocktail dates with college friends, guilt tripped her for spending less time with him when her parents visited, and refused to accompany her on visits home saying her family didn’t “get” him. His isolation efforts left her conflicted and depressed.

Your social support system provides perspective. Isolating you from that allows unhealthy dynamics to go unnoticed. While bonding with a new love is exciting, maintain your existing connections. Let your partner know these people remain priorities in your life as well, and address any insecurity driving their isolation efforts.

12. Hypercritical Outlook

We all have flaws and quirks that require compassion from our partners. But some people present themselves as perpetually unsatisfied, voicing constant criticism and disappointment in you and your relationship. Nitpicking your every decision or inability to measure up to their “standards” signals deep-seated insecurity.

I counseled a young man whose girlfriend relentlessly critiqued minor choices like his clothing, hairstyle, the restaurants he picked for dinner dates, even the way he did household chores. Her unending judgment wore down his self-esteem over months, leaving him withdrawn and unhappy. He hesitated leaving out of fear he was truly as inadequate as she claimed.

A hypercritical partner often seeks to lift themselves up by putting you down. Let them know their negativity is damaging the relationship. If no effort towards self-improvement results, leaving may be your only path towards emotional health. You deserve someone who celebrates you, flaws and all.

13. Manipulation

Controlling or manipulating your decisions and actions through guilt, silence, gaslighting or threat is a massive red flag I tell clients cannot be tolerated. Watch for any efforts, subtle or overt, your partner makes to exert influence over you or emotionally blackmail you into getting their way.

For example, a client’s boyfriend gave her the silent treatment for days after a fight, refusing to acknowledge her calls or texts. When finally responding, he blamed her “mistreatment” of him for his absence. In reality, he used this cold shoulder tactic to punish her for arguing with him in the first place.

Manipulation erodes self-worth over time if you begin to question your own judgment to avoid “punishments”. Stand firm and make clear these behaviors are unacceptable no matter what you’ve supposedly done “wrong”. Real love is not controlling or coercive.

14. Financial Irresponsibility

How a partner manages money says a lot about their values. Irresponsible spending habits like living beyond their means, making impulsive purchases, accumulating substantial debt, or refusing to budget at all indicate poor financial behaviors.

I’ve counseled couples torn apart by one partner’s reckless handling of money. Arguments about unpaid debts, lies about spending, and the stress of supporting someone unwilling to hold down steady work creates huge relationship strains. Financial mistrust is difficult to overcome.

Of course, we all have our indulgences now and then. But repeated overspending needs addressing. Help motivate them to track expenses, pay off debts, and create a realistic budget. If met with apathy or denial, this type of financial unreliability will eventually take its toll.

15. Unhealthy Relationship History

Past relationship patterns often hint at how someone may behave as a partner. Be cautious dating someone who describes all exes as “crazy” or “abusive” while taking zero responsibility in each failure. The common denominator may be their own toxic behaviors.

Similarly, be wary of serial cheaters or those who bounce rapidly from person to person. These habits often continue without meaningful self-work. I caution clients that dramatic proclamations about how “you’re the one to change them” usually prove false.

However, many have past relationship baggage but show self-awareness and growth through counseling or life experience. If they voluntarily acknowledge their previous unhealthy dynamics and demonstrate changed perspectives or behaviors, it’s a positive sign. We all have regrets, but need partners willing to acknowledge their own role in failures to become better partners.

In Conclusion

Positive relationships bring us happiness and fulfillment. But toxic partnerships can damage even the strongest individuals. That’s why recognizing red flags early is so important. By identifying and addressing problems directly, you give your relationship the best chance to thrive and grow stronger. However, some behaviors clearly cross the line into emotional abuse or neglect. Your own well-being must take priority. Have the courage to walk away when needed. You deserve to feel safe, respected and valued. The right partner won’t require changing who you are, but will inspire you to become your best self.

I hope these 15 red flags provide a helpful relationship guide. My goal is to empower you to build the healthy, supportive relationship you seek. Wishing you patience, compassion and clarity on your journey.