As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I’ve seen firsthand how hurtful words can damage even the strongest marriages. In times of anger or frustration, we can end up saying things we don’t really mean – but the wounds inflicted by these words often cut deep and are difficult to heal.
In my work, I advise couples to avoid certain phrases that are almost guaranteed to hurt your spouse and set your relationship back. Here are 10 things you should never say to your spouse if you want to build a loving, lasting marriage:
1. “I regret marrying you.”
Telling your husband or wife that you regret marrying them is incredibly hurtful and dismissive of the relationship you’ve built together. Even if said in a moment of frustration, this statement implies that your marriage – your life together – has been a mistake. It’s virtually impossible to recover the trust and intimacy after such a crushing rejection. If you’re feeling unsure about the marriage, have an open and honest discussion about your concerns when emotions are calm. But never use your regrets as a weapon to wound your spouse.
2. “You’re just like your mother/father.”
Comparing your spouse to their parent, especially in a negative way, is hitting below the belt. Even as adults, we tend to be sensitive about parental criticism, and using a spouse’s complicated history with their family against them will lead to defensiveness and resentment. Accept your spouse for who they are rather than berating them for personality traits you dislike.
3. “You disgust me.”
Disgust is an especially damaging emotion in intimate relationships. Once you view your partner as fundamentally disgusting or repellent, it becomes nearly impossible to regain attraction and affection. Professing disgust for your spouse’s body, habits, or personality is bitterly insulting and may create a permanent rift. If you are no longer physically attracted to your mate, have a thoughtful discussion about rekindling intimacy, not rejecting them completely.
4. “You’re lazy and useless.”
Criticizing your spouse’s character by calling them lazy, useless, worthless or any other demeaning adjective crosses a line into verbal abuse. If you have concerns about their behavior, bring it up respectfully, focusing on actions not personality. Attacking who they are at their core, especially with cruel generalizations, will only make them feel demoralized and defensive.
5. “I should have listened when people warned me about you.”
If you toss your spouse’s past mistakes in their face or tell them you regret ignoring other people’s warnings about them, your words will be incredibly hurtful to their sense of self. Dwelling on the past or other people’s opinions hardens hearts; to move forward, focus on who your spouse is today. This is especially important if your partner has made efforts to improve and grow. Dismissing those efforts is cruel and counterproductive.
6. “I never loved you.”
Propsing that your love was never real negates your entire shared history together. It is a hateful statement that will make your partner feel they have been living a lie. If you have fallen out of love, you need to have an honest conversation about that without attempting to rewrite the past. Be kinder than to say your love was never real—accept that relationships and feelings can change slowly over time.
7. “You’ll never find anyone better than me.”
Though some might say this boastfully, it’s actually a very insecure statement that demeans your spouse. First, you put down their judgment in choosing you, a “lesser” partner. You also threaten that they don’t deserve to be loved by someone better. Rather than insisting your spouse couldn’t do better, be the best partner you can be and appreciate each other’s strengths.
8. “You’re terrible in bed.”
Making disparaging comments about your spouse’s sexual performance – e.g. calling them terrible, boring, or clumsy in bed – is incredibly hurtful and disrespectful. Critiquing such an intimate part of their being will only lead to shame, insecurity and withdrawal. If your sex life needs work, have constructive, compassionate conversations about what brings each of you pleasure and fulfillment in bed.
9. “I hate you.”
Expressing genuine hatred toward your life partner, no matter how briefly, can leave lasting scars. Once these words are unleashed, your spouse will always question if a part of you despises them. If you are feeling true hatred, your relationship is in crisis. Seek help from a counselor or therapist to work through your emotions constructively. Don’t use “hate” as a weapon to injure during a petty argument.
10. “This marriage was a mistake.”
Like saying you regret marrying your spouse, telling them flat out that your marriage itself was a mistake is incredibly hurtful and almost impossible to recover from. Passing thoughts of “what if” are normal, but actually verbalizing to your husband or wife that you think you made the wrong choice in marrying them may permanently damage their confidence in themselves, you, and the relationship.
The old adage holds true: words can never be unsaid. Raging at your spouse will inevitably damage intimacy; even seemingly small comments can become lasting scars. If you find yourself overwhelmed with negative emotions, walk away until you regain perspective. Approach issues calmly, focusing on actions not character. And if you need help communicating, seek counseling to learn healthier, happier habits together. With mutual dedication, respect and care, you can build a relationship that endures through all storms.
In Summary:
- Regret, disgust, criticism, comparison, dismissal – all are hurtful sentiments you should never voice about your spouse.
- Keep perspective in conflicts; don’t say damaging things just to wound your partner in anger.
- If you no longer feel loving feelings, discuss resetting intimacy; don’t negate the entire relationship.
- Seek professional help to communicate in a healthy, productive way as needed.
- Your goal is to build up your marriage, not tear it down brick by brick. Uplift each other with caring words and actions.
I hope these tips help you nurture greater love and understanding in your marriage. A strong relationship takes constant work, but the rewards – having a loyal, caring life partner – makes it all worthwhile. Approach challenges together with empathy, never contempt. And remember, there are some bells that can never be unrung when it comes to hurtful words. Tread carefully.
