Questions To Ask Before Marriage

Making the decision to get married is one of the biggest commitments you can make in life. While the wedding itself often gets the most attention when couples are planning to tie the knot, the marriage that follows is even more important. Far too often, couples realize after the wedding that they have very different expectations for their marriage. This frequently leads to conflicts, resentment, and even divorce down the road.

As a relationship therapist and coach, I always advise my clients to have in-depth conversations with their partner before getting engaged or married. While being in love feels amazing, you also need to make sure that you and your partner have the same values, life goals, and vision for your future together.

In my experience counseling hundreds of couples over the years, I’ve found that asking the right questions before marriage is absolutely crucial. Though it may feel awkward or even scary to bring up certain topics, it will save you from much greater pain if you end up realizing you aren’t as compatible after the wedding.

In this comprehensive guide, I’ll outline the key questions to ask your partner before marriage. These questions cover important topics like finances, intimacy, having kids, family issues, lifestyle preferences, communication styles, and more. While going through them, keep an open mind and try not to get defensive if you disagree on certain things. The goal is to understand where your partner is coming from so you can thoughtfully discuss your different perspectives.

Getting to Know Your Partner’s Personality

Before diving into the deeper issues, take some time to ask fun questions to learn more about your partner’s personality, interests, and quirks. Even if you’ve been together for years, there are always new things you can discover about someone when you ask thoughtful questions. Here are some great conversation starters:

What is your partner’s favorite book/movie/TV show/song? What kind of books, music, and entertainment do they typically enjoy?
Who are the most important people in your partner’s life?
What does your partner like to do for fun? What are their hobbies?
Is your partner an introvert or extrovert? How much alone time do they need?
What is your partner’s dream vacation?
What is your partner’s dream job?
What accomplishment is your partner most proud of?
What are some embarrassing or quirky habits your partner has?
What is your partner’s biggest pet peeve?
What is your partner’s greatest fear?

Learning more about your partner’s personality provides insight into who they really are as a person. Pay attention if your partner seems uncomfortable opening up about certain topics, as that could indicate issues to explore more deeply later on.

Discussing Your Personal Values

Your personal values shape nearly everything in your life – from how you treat others, to what you prioritize, to major decisions you make. That’s why having shared values is key for any successful long-term relationship. Here are some important questions to ask to understand your partner’s values:

Is religion important to your partner? What are their spiritual beliefs?
What are your partner’s political views? Do they care about social or political issues?
How does your partner feel about their career? Is it a passion or just a job to pay the bills?
Who does your partner most enjoy spending time with? How do they prioritize relationships with friends/family?
How does your partner approach helping others? Do they volunteer or donate to charity?
Does your partner have strong morals they live by? What would they never compromise on?
How ambitious is your partner? Do they have strong professional goals and aspirations?
How does your partner react when someone needs help? Are they willing to go out of their way?
Does your partner have a need for status, luxury, and showing off wealth? Or are they more low-key?
What does loyalty mean to your partner? Do they stand by the people they care about?

Taking the time to understand your partner’s values gives you insight into the foundation of who they are. Think about any potential conflicts in values and how you’ll address them. Never assume you’ll be able to change each other’s core values if they differ significantly from your own.

Talking About Your Upbringing and Family Relationships

The family relationships we had growing up shape who we are in incredibly profound ways. How your parents treated each other affects your view of marriage. The way you were disciplined as a child impacts your parenting style. The values your family had influence your own values today.

That’s why it’s so important to ask key questions about your partner’s upbringing and family relationships. Here are some important ones to cover:

How would your partner describe their relationship with their parents?
What were their parents’ marriage like? Did they demonstrate a loving relationship?
How did their family express affection? Did their parents say “I love you”?
Did their family have any major issues like divorce, abuse, addiction, or mental health struggles?
What were the rules like growing up? How did their parents discipline them?
What were holidays and family gatherings like in their family?
Does your partner feel like they had a happy childhood? What were the best and hardest parts?
What family traditions or rituals were most important growing up?
Does your partner feel like their family was open with communication?

The way your partner describes their upbringing reveals so much about how they view relationships. Pay attention if they seem uncomfortable answering certain questions or if any family issues come up. You’ll need to talk through how those things could impact your own marriage and family life together.

Getting on the Same Page About Kids

For most couples, having kids is a big part of their vision for the future. However, you shouldn’t assume you and your partner share the same perspective on this huge life decision. It’s crucial to openly discuss your expectations about having children so you know if you’re on the same page. Here are some must-ask questions:

Does your partner want to have children someday? If so, how many?
When would they ideally like to start having kids? In the next few years or further down the road?
If you were to have kids, what parenting style would they prefer? Strict, relaxed, somewhere in between?
What religion/values would they want to pass down if you had kids?
Where would your partner want to raise kids? In the suburbs, a city, somewhere else?
How supportive would your partner be if you struggled with infertility? Would they consider IVF or adoption?
How involved would they want to be with childcare duties? Split 50/50 or more traditional roles?
What family traditions would your partner want to continue with your kids?
How many kids would be dealbreakers for your partner if you didn’t agree?
Would your partner be open to using a surrogate if you couldn’t safely carry kids?

Bringing kids into your relationship fundamentally changes nearly every aspect of your lives. Don’t make assumptions about having kids together – have explicit conversations to get on the same page. If you discover major disagreements, seriously consider how those would impact your marriage.

Asking About Career Plans and Ambitions

Most couples today expect to have two careers, even after having kids. That makes it crucial to understand your partner’s professional ambitions and how they envision balancing work with family life. Here are some key career questions to ask your partner:

What does your ideal career look like to your partner in 5 or 10 years?
How ambitious and driven is your partner when it comes to their career?
How many hours does your partner expect to work in a typical week?
Would your partner’s career ever require lots of travel or relocation?
Is your partner open to sacrifices like giving up a promotion if we had kids?
How does your partner envision splitting childcare and household duties if you both worked?
How emotionally attached is your partner to their work? Do they struggle to “turn off” at the end of the day?
Has your partner ever prioritized work over our relationship? How did that make you feel?
What career ambitions are absolute dealbreakers for your partner to give up?
Does your partner expect you to prioritize their career over yours if needed?

It’s important to make sure your career ambitions line up, or at least that you’re willing to compromise. Never assume you’ll convince your partner to sacrifice their career goals later on; take them at their word. Discuss concerns openly and honestly.

Finding Out Their Financial Values and Habits

Money conflicts cause countless marriages to crumble. That’s why it’s so critical to understand how your partner thinks about finances before committing your lives together. Some key money questions to ask include:

What is your partner’s philosophy about spending vs saving money?
How does your partner feel about debt like mortgages, car loans, and credit cards?
Does your partner stick to a budget? How do they make major purchasing decisions?
Has your partner ever struggled with significant debt? What caused it?
How much financial independence is important to your partner? Shared or separate accounts?
Who should handle major financial decisions in your marriage? Jointly or one primary decision maker?
How much does your partner feel comfortable spending on discretionary purchases, vacations, cars, etc?
Does your partner feel it’s important to splurge on luxury items to enjoy life?
What does retirement look like to your partner financially? What age and lifestyle?
How risk-averse or risk-tolerant is your partner when it comes to investments?

Don’t just assume you and your partner have the same financial values. Mismatched attitudes about money cause frequent fights. Have honest conversations to avoid major money conflicts after marriage.

Discussing Your Expectations for Intimacy

While hot and heavy during dating, many couples report dissatisfaction with their intimacy after marriage. Don’t let this happen to you. Ask key questions upfront so you know you’re both on the same page with needs and expectations around your intimacy.

How often does your partner ideally like to be intimate? Is your sex drive compatible?
Are there any sexual acts that are must-haves or absolute dealbreakers for your partner?
Is your partner open to experimenting with intimacy if things ever get boring?
Does your partner have any significant sexual fantasies or kinks? Are you comfortable with them?
How does your partner view pornography or using sex toys? Is that ok or off-limits in their view?
How important is emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy to your partner?
Outside the bedroom, how does your partner like to feel connected and romantic? Cuddling, thoughtful gifts, quality time…?
If life gets busy with kids, how can we prioritize intimacy so we stay satisfied?
How open is your partner with communicating about intimacy needs? How can you get more comfortable?
How would your partner want to handle a season where one of you has a lower sex drive?

You and your partner both deserve to feel fulfilled when it comes to physical and emotional intimacy. Don’t let embarrassment prevent you from communicating openly and honestly about this topic before marriage.

Finding Out Each Other’s Lifestyle Expectations

Do you picture a peaceful life in the suburbs while your partner dreams of fast-paced city life? Do your ideals for how to spend time look totally different? Lifestyle expectations include everything from where you want to live to how you enjoy spending your time. Discuss these questions:

Does your partner prefer living in a bustling city or a quiet suburb? Why?
How often does your partner enjoy going out vs. staying in?
What does an ideal weekend look like to your partner?
How much value does your partner place on travel? How often do they want to take vacations?
How does your partner like to spend their free time? Hobbies, interests, activities?
How health-conscious is your partner when it comes to diet, exercise, sleep, etc?
What is your partner’s ideal home environment? Minimalist vs. cluttered, etc.
How often does your partner need time to themselves?
What are your partner’s cleanliness standards? How do they feel about chores?
How does your partner think family activities would fit into your lifestyle?

Remember, there’s no “right” lifestyle. But you do need to make sure your visions align, or at least that you’re willing to compromise. Don’t let wishful thinking blind you to major lifestyle differences in your relationship.

Understanding Your Communication Styles

Every couple argues sometimes. How you navigate those disagreements either brings you closer together or slowly drives you apart. That’s why understanding your different communication and conflict resolution styles is so important.

Does your partner tend to be confrontational or avoid conflict at all costs?
Do they need time to cool down before discussing something that upset them?
What tends to set your partner off or make them defensive? How do they typically react?
How willing is your partner to hear you out if you’re upset with them?
What parenthood or marriage conflicts might be sensitive areas for your partner?
How well does your partner apologize and take accountability when they are wrong?
Is your partner comfortable engaging in calm disagreement, or does it turn into a fight?
Do they tend to hold grudges or get even if you argue?
How emotionally intelligent is your partner in understanding your feelings?
After an argument, how long does it take for your partner to act normal with you again?

Pay attention to any dysfunctional communication patterns like yelling, name calling, or the silent treatment. Make sure your partner is willing to learn healthier ways to communicate if needed.

Getting Their Perspective on Commitment

What does commitment really mean to your partner? It’s important to understand their perspective. Here are some key questions:

What would your partner consider emotionally or physically cheating? How do they define fidelity?
How highly does your partner value remaining faithful in a relationship? Have they ever struggled with commitment before?
How did your partner’s previous relationships end? Why?
Has your partner ever broken off an engagement or serious relationship? What happened?
What type of prenuptial agreement would your partner want if you get married? What does this say about their commitment attitudes?
In what situations might your partner consider separation or divorce to be reasonable options? Infidelity? Growing apart?
How invested does your partner feel in nurturing your relationship long-term? Will they make your marriage a priority over other things always?
What boundaries with the opposite sex does your partner think are important?
How patient will your partner be through ups and downs in your marriage? How strongly are they committed to working through issues together?
What personal dealbreakers does your partner have that would end your marriage? Are any concerning?

While not the most fun conversation, understanding your partner’s perspective on commitment is hugely insightful. Make sure you’re both willing to put your marriage first when times get tough.

Discussing Their Conflict Resolution Approach

It’s inevitable you’ll encounter major disagreements and conflict sometimes in your marriage. How you work through them will determine your chances for a happy future together. Discuss these questions:

How willing is your partner to compromise during disagreements?
Do they tend to get very emotional and worked up during conflicts?
Would your partner ever consider individual or couples counseling if you hit a rough patch?
Has your partner worked on improving their conflict resolution skills before?
Does your partner believe most issues can be solved together if you both care enough?
Will your partner take space to cool down, or want to press pause on tense conversations?
When you argue, does it get resolved or tend to drag out?
How willing is your partner to hear you out and validate your feelings during disagreements?
Does your partner struggle with defensiveness? Are they able to admit fault and take accountability?
Would anger management classes be beneficial for your partner based on their reactions during conflicts?

Pay close attention to any major red flags like defensiveness, passive-aggressiveness, or refusal to work on improving conflict skills. Make sure you share the relationship values of compromise and teamwork.

Asking About Political and Social Views

While politics may seem unrelated to your marriage, views on social issues can definitely become sources of conflict for couples. Get insight into your partner’s perspectives by asking:

Does your partner tend to lean more liberal or conservative? How strongly do they identify with a political party?
Which political issues, if any, are dealbreakers for your partner when voting?
How passionate is your partner about current events and social/political issues?
Does your partner post about politics on social media? How often?
How would your partner react if you held an opposing view on a political issue they care strongly about?
Will your partner expect you to vote the same way they do? What if you differed?
How does your partner consume news? What media sources do they turn to and trust?
How frequently does your partner discuss politics? Would they want to debate issues?
How open is your partner to hearing perspectives different from their own? Do they listen thoughtfully?
Would major differences between your social views negatively impact the health of your relationship?

Ideally, you should respect each other’s perspectives even if you don’t always agree. Make sure these differences wouldn’t divide you or cause resentment.

Considering Their Relationship Dealbreakers

Every person has certain dealbreakers they could not move past in a marriage – from infidelity to addiction issues to abuse. Know what your partner considers unforgivable and what impacts their commitment.

What would your partner consider emotional or physical cheating? Are their definitions and boundaries clear?
Would reckless spending or hiding financial issues be marriage-ending betrayals in their view?
What addictions like drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. would end the relationship for your partner? Have they struggled with any personally?
Are abusive behaviors like hitting, insulting, yelling, or controlling absolute dealbreakers for your partner?

If you had to relocate for one of your careers, under what circumstances would your partner be unwilling to move with you?
How would your partner react if you came out later in life as LGBTQ+? Would this end the marriage?
Does your partner have strong political, religious or moral views that would make it impossible to stay married if you changed your perspectives over time?
In the case of infertility, would your partner have limits on what fertility treatments or alternatives they’d be open to before calling it quits?
If you grew apart from each other over time, at what point would your partner give up on the marriage rather than trying to reconnect?
If you needed to care for sick parents later in life, how much sacrifice from your partner would be unreasonable in their view before ending your marriage?

While some of these scenarios are hypothetical, understanding your partner’s hard lines provides insight into their level of commitment and values. Make sure their dealbreakers don’t reveal any concerning conditional approaches to your marriage.

Discussing Their Perspective on Divorce

While an unpleasant thought, you need to make sure you and your partner share the same view on when divorce is reasonable or unacceptable. Ask them:

Under what circumstances, if any, would your partner consider initiating a divorce or permanent separation?
How easy or difficult of a decision would divorce be for your partner if you experienced irreconcilable differences?
Does your partner come from a family background of divorce? How has this impacted their views?
If you needed to separate temporarily, what conditions would need to be met for your partner to reconnect and work on your marriage again?
How reluctant would your partner be to sign divorce papers, even if all other options to save the marriage had been exhausted?
What would your partner consider reasonable grounds for divorce versus fixable issues to overcome together?
If you had kids, how hard would your partner be willing to fight for your marriage before considering divorce?
How much effort is your partner willing to put into relationship counseling before calling it quits?
What length of a separation would likely signal the complete end of your marriage in your partner’s view?
What final actions like infidelity or deception would make it impossible for your partner to ever trust you again or take you back?

Hoping for a lifelong marriage is reasonable. But make sure you agree on what warrants divorce should the worst case happen. Don’t ignore any fundamental differences in perspectives here.

Addressing Major Topics Your Partner Avoids

Sometimes the most important conversations are the ones your partner tries to avoid. If you notice them dodging any topic, gently keep pressing them on it. Here are some they may try to steer clear of:

Past issues like divorce, addiction, imprisonment, financial problems, or health conditions
Mental health struggles like depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD, or an eating disorder
Signs your partner is hiding something or lying to you about certain topics
Childhood experiences with abuse, neglect, or other challenges
Sexual preferences, history, or desires they are embarrassed to share
Secret debts, spending habits, or credit problems
Concerns your partner has about getting married they haven’t told you
Cold feet or reluctance to firmly commit to engagement or marriage
Lingering attachment to an ex or unresolved feelings from past relationships
Issues around physical intimacy like erectile dysfunction or pain during sex

You can’t force your partner to open up before they are ready. But if major topics consistently get avoided, don’t ignore red flags. Keep communicating gently and seek counseling if needed.

Remembering That Commitment Trumps Compatibility

While you certainly want some key areas of compatibility, studies show shared commitment matters even more for long-lasting marital success. Be wary of over-emphasizing compatibility at the expense of commitment.

In my experience counseling hundreds of couples, I’ve found that even partners with major differences across the board can have fulfilling marriages in the long run. The key is that both people need to be completely committed to each other’s wellbeing and willing to compromise.

However, even couples that seem perfectly compatible on paper can end up divorced if one person isn’t truly devoted for the long haul or reluctant to address issues that arise over time. They might bail at the first serious fight or conflict rather than working through difficult problems together.

That’s why it’s so important to make sure you and your partner both share rock-solid commitment, emotional maturity to weather ups and downs, and willingness to get counseling when needed. Compatibility makes marriage easier, but commitment sustains it through all of life’s inevitable challenges and changes over decades.

Don’t let a checklist of compatibility make you overlook any red flags on your partner’s readiness to stay faithful, prioritize you, and nourish your marriage no matter what comes your way. That’s the foundation your lifelong relationship needs to stand on.

In Conclusion

I hope this comprehensive guide outlined the key questions you should ask your partner before considering marriage. Addressing important topics like finances, intimacy, lifestyle habits, conflict resolution style, and dealbreakers before commitment can prevent so many painful surprises down the road.

While you’ll always be learning new things about your partner, taking time to dig deep on these foundational issues early on gives your relationship the best chance to go the distance. Wishing you open, honest, and vulnerable conversations as you move toward this wonderful new chapter!