As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I have seen both the joys and struggles of romantic partnerships firsthand. One issue that frequently arises is the delicate balance between closeness and space within a relationship. While intimacy and togetherness are vital, having room to breathe as individuals is equally important.
However, creating space in a relationship can be tricky to navigate. If not handled carefully, it can lead to hurt feelings, confusion, and irreparable damage to the bond you share. Through my experience advising clients, I have learned that there are some key mistakes couples tend to make when trying to allow each other more space. Avoiding these pitfalls is crucial for maintaining a healthy partnership.
In this comprehensive guide, I will share eight common mistakes to steer clear of when creating space in your relationship. Whether you feel smothered and need more room to grow as an individual, or your partner has requested some time apart, this advice will help you find the right balance. Read on to enhance your connection while still preserving your independent identities.
Mistake #1: Failing to Communicate Your Needs
The first and most critical error is not communicating clearly about your desire for more space. Silently withdrawing or becoming distant will likely make your partner feel rejected, anxious, and confused. They may worry you have lost interest in the relationship or that something is wrong.
Instead, have an open and honest conversation about what you require. Explain that this does not mean you care for them any less, but that you need time for self-reflection, to pursue independent hobbies, or reconnect with friends. Assure them this will allow you both to ultimately strengthen your bond by coming back with a renewed sense of appreciation.
Set clear expectations, such as how often you will check in during the break and when you plan to resume more coupled activities. Leave the door open for adjusting these details if needed. The key is that your partner understands why you need space and does not feel blindsided.
Mistake #2: Cutting Off Communication Completely
While you may not be spending as much in-person time together, continuing to communicate demonstrates that your partner is still important to you. Maintaining some contact eliminates guesswork about where you both stand. A text saying “thinking of you” or asking how their day was reassures them the relationship is intact.
Of course, constantly calling or messaging can contradict your attempts to create space. Find a middle ground, such as checking in every few days or limiting conversations to lighter subjects until your shared break is over. If you originally agreed to cease contact for a set period, honor that boundary.
The bottom line is keeping your partner reasonably informed so they do not feel abandoned or left hanging in relationship limbo.
Mistake #3: Letting Jealousy Create Suspicion
Feeling pangs of jealousy over how your partner spends their free time apart is understandable. However, descending into suspicion by constantly questioning their activities or friends will only breed resentment. Snooping through their phone or interrogating them destroys the productive purpose of this relationship breather.
Rather than making accusations, revisit why you needed space in the first place. If missing your partner or fearing replacement was not part of this, focus on your own growth and fulfillment during this time. Trust that they are doing the same. If reasonable doubt exists about their fidelity, address that issue directly instead of passive aggressive punishment.
Mistake #4: Neglecting Self-Reflection
Simply occupying yourself with other tasks rather than self-improvement defeats much personal benefit from temporary separation. Take advantage of the alone time to honestly evaluate your role in any existing relationship problems and how to enrich your independent life.
Engage in introspection through journaling, meditation, or open discussions with trusted supports. What qualities or habits could you adjust to be a better partner going forward? How might rediscovering forgotten interests positively impact your sense of identity?
Use the space to both identify personal shortcomings and celebrate positive attributes you bring to the relationship. Reflect on how to best harmonize your individual priorities with mutual goals. This laying of inner relational groundwork ultimately allows you to reunite as better versions of yourselves.
Mistake #5: Forcing Premature Reconciliation
When you have sufficiently recharged your mental batteries and feel prepared to reconnect, avoid strong-arming your partner into prematurely resuming coupled activities. Just as you pleaded for them to understand your need for space, you must extend that same respect if they require more solo time. Reneging on an existing agreement or trying to accelerate reconciliation timeframes could cause setbacks.
Patience truly pays off in this scenario. If you pressure your loved one to reunite too quickly, built up resentment or feelings of being stifled could reemerge. However, if you both organically arrive at a place of missing your shared closeness, that renewed desire and appreciation fuels greater intimacy.
Mistake #6: Holding Grudges
You might feel tempted to punish your partner for needing space by giving them the cold shoulder when the break ends. But reacting bitterly or pursuing vengeance only resurrects pain instead of resolving it. Honest conversations about your feelings pave the path to mutual understanding and conflict resolution.
Create a safe space to transparently exchange perspectives on what transpired during your time apart. Extend grace to one another for any missteps made in uncharted territory. Voice disappointments calmly, then actively forgive and move forward with a clean slate. Resentment poisons relationships slowly over time. An ethos of redemption must triumph.
Mistake #7: Failing to Establish Boundaries
Perhaps you reluctantly acquiesced to your partner’s request for distance as a demonstration of loyalty. But passively waiting in emotional limbo can breed insecurity about where one stands. To safeguard your self-worth, set some non-negotiable conditions for this relationship intermission.
Define what constitutes unacceptable behavior based on your personal values. Cheating or abusive language/actions should instantly signal it is time to walk away. Outline your own requirements in terms of minimum contact frequency or a maximum separation duration you can endure. Stating such limits neutralizes “out of sight, out of mind” anxiety.
Mistake #8: Not Addressing Core Issues
Bandaging serious relationship wounds with space alone rarely leads to full healing. Poor communication, betrayals of trust, or conflicting values must eventually be confronted to determine compatibility. Reserved individuals may require solitude to process emotions before discussing deep hurts.
But glossing over real problems cannot continue indefinitely. Before fully reconciling, initiate candid dialogue about the underlying factors motivating your or your partner’s need for distance. Identify root issues creating friction through active listening, then collaborate on actionable solutions. If fundamental differences prove irremediable, acknowledge that reality compassionately.
While allowing breathing room strengthens connections, implementing that space requires thoughtfulness. By avoiding missteps like unclear expectations or passive detachment, couples can mutually benefit. My hope is this advice empowers you to healthily integrate much-needed independence into your partnership’s tapestry of togetherness. With understanding and mindfulness on both sides, space ultimately enriches intimacy.