As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I’ve helped countless people work through the agony of an unrequited crush. I know firsthand how painful and distracting these feelings can be when you desperately want to be with someone who doesn’t return your affection.
I’ve been there myself. When I was in my 20s, I developed intense feelings for a friend who made it clear he only saw me platonically. I obsessed over this impossible relationship for months, constantly analyzing his words and behavior for any glimmer of hope. I put my life on hold pining after someone that would never feel the same way.
Eventually, I realized how unhealthy this had become. I was idealizing someone who wasn’t right for me while missing out on meeting people who could actually make me happy. As a relationship expert, I now had to take my own advice – it was time to get over this crush for good.
Looking back, that unrequited love was a painful but necessary life lesson. It taught me strategies that allowed me to move forward positively. I now leverage my hard-won knowledge to help others suffering from similar heartbreak.
If you have feelings for someone unavailable or disinterested, I know how crushing that can be. But there are healthy, effective ways to get over a crush so you can regain happiness on your own terms. This comprehensive guide covers the most critical steps based on techniques I guide my clients through all the time.
If you diligently follow these best practices, you can move forward with self-confidence, an open heart, and hope for new love just around the corner.
Why It’s So Hard to Get Over a Crush
Before outlining how to get over an unrequited crush, it’s helpful to understand why these feelings grip us so tightly. What makes the sting of rejection so acute when we’ve been rejected romantically?
According to research, feelings of infatuation or “limerence” are involuntary reactions mediated by chemicals and pathways hardwired into our brains over millennia of evolution. When attracted to someone, neurochemicals like dopamine flood our system, creating an exhilarating high. We can’t turn these sensations off like a switch.
When a crush is unfulfilled, we experience similar anguish to the grief over losing a loved one. One study even found that romantic rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. So you aren’t being overly dramatic – this truly hurts!
Additionally, an impossible crush turns normal thought patterns upside down. We tend to idealize the object of our affection, a psychological process known as projection. We assign positive traits to them that may not accurately reflect reality and overlook red flags a clear-eyed observer might notice.
When intense romantic attraction combines with idealization, we can easily become obsessed, thinking about our crush constantly. We yearn and pine, interpreting every interaction through a lens of irrational hope.
This lopsided viewpoint makes moving on extremely challenging. Our brains keep telling us this person is flawless and perfect for us, even when that is obviously not the case.
But having perspective on the psychological forces underlying your feelings is power. You can recognize that they are not rational or rooted in reality. This intensifies the crush but also means it will run its course in time.
As long as you avoid behaviors that continually reinforce unhelpful thought patterns, you can override biological programming keeping you stuck. With concerted effort, you can break free.
And if you need support, I’m here to be your guide. I will walk you through actionable steps to get over even the most intense crush based on techniques that have worked for me and many clients.
Signs It’s Time to Get Over Your Crush
An impossible crush causes real anguish, but at some point, you have to decide whether it’s become too unhealthy to continue. How can you know when it’s truly time to move on? Consider the following scenarios.
You’ve never met this person in real life. Crushing on a celebrity, someone’s social media profile or an idealized concept of a person makes it impossible to have an authentic relationship. If you’ve never interacted face-to-face, it’s just a fantasy.
They have clearly stated disinterest. Outright rejection always hurts, even coming from someone you barely know. But false hope will only worsen the pain. Believe them, and start the process of moving forward.
They are in another relationship. It’s not technically impossible for feelings to develop for someone already partnered, but attempting to break up another couple is nearly always unethical. Pursuing a attached person will only cause harm.
The relationship is inappropriate. Authority figures, relatives of a former partner and married friends are off-limits for good reason. These relationships violate ethics or social norms. Don’t go there.
They behave in a toxic manner. Repeatedly leading you on or aggressively manipulating your emotions is unacceptable cruelty. You deserve to be treated with compassion by a romantic partner.
Effort is one-sided. Healthy relationships are reciprocal, with both parties contributing fairly equal time and effort. If you initiate most interactions or conversations, pull back. See if they pick up the slack. If not, it’s time to refocus your energy elsewhere.
I tell my clients that having standards and boundaries is essential when seeking healthy romantic connections. Take time to identify your core values. What do you need in a partner and relationship to be fulfilled? What behaviors are unacceptable dealbreakers for you?
Evaluating your impossible crush against these standards will help clarify if this person has long-term relationship potential or if you need to let go and move forward. Don’t compromise your principles out of loneliness or a scarcity mentality. You deserve to find fulfilling mutual love.
7 Steps to Getting Over Your Crush
When you realize your intense romantic feelings aren’t aligned with reality or ever going to work out, the healing process begins. You’ll likely feel sad, frustrated and confused as you work through complex emotions. But don’t lose hope!
I’ve developed the following roadmap to guide countless clients through similar situations. If you diligently work through each step, you can move forward positively.
1. Validate Your Feelings
Crushes reveal our longing for human connection. They show we have abundant love to give someone special. There is no shame for having normal romantic attractions, even to unavailable people.
Start by acknowledging your feelings are valid, even if painful right now. Trying to repress or deny them will only extend your agony. By accepting reality compassionately, you create space for healing.
I recommend writing your emotions out in a journal. Describe what you admire in your crush and why losing hope hurts. Let the pain flow through you onto paper. This release allows you to consciously process what’s happening internally.
After expressing it all, take a deep breath and know you will get through this. Talk kindly to yourself just as you would a close friend in the same situation. Rather than judging yourself for having this crush, offer empathy and reassurance better times lie ahead.
2. Avoid Obsession
Unrequited crushes make us feel powerless because we want something we can’t have. We might cling to fantasies about outcomes different from reality. But spending hours indulging in wishful thinking tends to make hurting worse long-term.
Catch yourself when ruminating on imaginary scenarios or over-analyzing your crush’s behavior. Redirect your thoughts elsewhere. Go for a walk, call a friend or tackle an overdue chore.
It also helps to identify flaws in your imagined ideal mate. Did you overlook their troublesome political views or how they treated their ex? Reality is always more complicated than fantasy.
See your crush as a complex human with good and bad traits like anyone else. They aren’t perfect, and they certainly aren’t worth pining over indefinitely.
3. Lean On Your Support System
Getting over romantic feelings alone can be an isolating experience. You might even feel foolish or embarrassed. But having a shoulder to lean on makes all the difference.
Connect with empathetic friends or relatives who can relate to what you’re going through. Chances are some of loved ones have experienced similar crushing heartbreak. They can offer an understanding ear and reassurance better times lie ahead.
Venting your frustrations to people who care helps release bottled up sadness and anxiety. Supportive friends can also help you maintain perspective when you’re in emotional knots. They’ll remind you that you will find love with someone new who truly cherishes you.
If you’re already in a relationship, consider confiding in your partner if appropriate. Hiding crushes breeds secretiveness which can undermine trust and intimacy. If your primary relationship is strong, honesty can strengthen your bond.
And don’t hesitate to get professional support if needed. Therapists like myself specialize in helping clients through relationship difficulties, including intense romantic feelings causing dysfunction or distress. I’m here to help you develop healthy coping strategies.
With a compassionate support network around you, getting over even the most powerful crushes seems less intimidating.
4. Limit Contact
Out of sight and out of mind is sage advice when overcoming romantic longing. Avoid interacting with your crush whenever possible to prevent reigniting painful pining.
If feasible, avoid locations your crush frequents like certain shops, restaurants or social events. Ask mutual connections for a heads up regarding their plans so you can steer clear.
If cutting off contact altogether isn’t realistic or desirable, establish strong boundaries around interactions. Keep any discussions casual, light and brief. Don’t get pulled into lengthy conversations or flirtatious text exchanges.
Definitely take a break from digital contact, especially social media. Seeing their posts on your feed will make you feel even more isolated and left out. At minimum, unfollow and hide their activity. Consider snoozing or unfriending if needed to avoid temptation to keep tabs on them.
Creating space helps you detach from fantasy and focus on reality. It allows crushing feelings to dissipate naturally without constant reinforcement. With less contact over time, intense longing tends to fade.
5. Try New Activities
Another effective strategy for getting over an impossible crush is focusing your energy elsewhere. Pursue new hobbies, friendships or adventures totally unrelated to this person.
Join a club, take a fun class or volunteer for a cause you care about. Making new connections and having positive experiences boosts self-confidence and reminds you that your social world is wider than just this one person.
Travel somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit, check out the new vegan restaurant across town or visit an interesting museum exhibit. Exploring expands your perspective and pulls you out of unhelpful rumination loops.
When you fill your schedule with fulfilling activities and people who appreciate you, there’s less time to dwell on what can’t be. Staying busy speeds up moving forward.
And new interests may even introduce you to someone with genuine romantic potential down the road. So try that dance class or community theater production you’ve considered. Surprise yourself by shaking things up in your life without overthinking it.
6. Practice Extreme Self-Care
As a relationship coach, I’m a huge proponent of self-care – especially when recovering from heartbreak. Be exceptionally good to yourself during this transitional period. You deserve it.
Plan mini-spa days complete with face masks, luxurious baths, cozy pajamas and your favorite takeout. Or get an exercise boost endorphins with yoga, running, boxing or bike riding. Treat yourself to a soothing massage or reflexology session.
Cook nourishing meals, catch up with old friends over video chat and soak up sunshine whenever possible. Get your space organized and decluttered or give yourself a fun makeover.
Basically, nurture and pamper yourself daily. When we focus inward on healing, we have less bandwidth to ruminate about those causing us pain. As an added bonus, self-care helps us ultimately become the best version of ourselves.
So don’t think of this transitional period as just getting over a crush. Consider it an opportunity to transform into the person you want to be when you meet someone who truly cherishes and respects you. Your future partner will be so lucky!
7. Be Patient with Yourself
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the same goes for mending a broken heart. Getting over an intense, long-term crush can take serious time and effort. Healing is rarely linear.
You’ll likely take two steps forward, then one step back. Some days the anguish may feel unbearable again out of nowhere. Old habits die hard, so you might slip up avoiding contact.
When you hit rough patches, speak words of kindness and encouragement to yourself. We all make mistakes, so don’t beat yourself up. Just recommit to the process.
Trust that if you stick with the program of validating feelings, limiting contact and focusing inward, romantic feelings do eventually fade. One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re no longer crushed. And you’ll be open to creating the healthy relationship you deserve.
Be proud of yourself for doing the work – it’s the ultimate act of self-love. If you need additional support, I’m here as your relationship coach. Consider scheduling a session with me so we can develop a customized plan ensuring your success.
Additional Tips for Getting Over Your Crush
- Clearly communicate your feelings if appropriate. You don’t necessarily have to confess romantic interest directly to your crush. But in certain situations, speaking your truth can provide closure so you can move forward. Be prepared to gracefully accept rejection and reiterate your desire to remain friends if possible. Then step back to process the pain.
- Channel negative emotions in a positive direction. Creating art, playing music and intense exercise can help transmute painful feelings into productive outlets. Consider journaling, painting, songwriting or kickboxing as additional tools for healing.
- Enlist tricks to stop obsessive thought patterns. Develop a mantra to repeat in your head redirecting thoughts about your crush. Rub an essential oil you dislike, like peppermint, on your wrists. The association can help halt unhealthy fantasizing.
- Seek professional counseling if suffering prolonged distress. There is no shame in needing support to process deep grief so you can regain happiness. A good therapist provides judgement-free guidance tailored your unique situation.
- Consider medical intervention for limerence lasting over two years. In rare cases, impossible crushes turn into unhealthy addictive obsessions. Medication combined with counseling can help restore sanity.
- Forgive them and yourself. Holding onto resentment only breeds negativity. The kindest thing you can do for both parties is let it go and wish them well, even if from a distance. Focus on your own growth and future.
In Closing
Unrequited love hurts for good reason – your brain perceives romantic rejection similarly to being deprived of water or food key to survival. But in truth you will thrive and love again without this one particular person in your life.
Allow yourself to fully process painful emotions so they can dissipate naturally over time. Drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, spend time outdoors and lean on loved ones for support during this challenging transition.
Eventually, feelings will fade as long as you diligently limit contact and fill your life with meaningful activity. And try to view this period as an opportunity to transform into your best self instead of only focusing on what went wrong. Your spirit and resilience will shine through for someone wonderful in the future.
You genuinely deserve mutual love and respect in all your relationships, especially romantic ones. I know in time you will look back on this unrequited crush as a catalyst toward positive growth. And I’m here to support you through any setbacks or to just listen. You’ve got this!
