As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I have seen my fair share of struggling marriages. While every relationship has its ups and downs, there are some clear signs that a marriage is unhealthy and potentially headed for divorce. In my experience, being able to identify and address these issues early is key to getting a marriage back on track.
In this comprehensive guide, I will share the 8 most common signs of an unhappy marriage, provide guidance on how to approach these issues, and give hope to couples who feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. My goal is to help couples nurture their marriage by gaining a deeper understanding of what makes a relationship work.
1. Lack of Communication
One of the first signs that a marriage is in trouble is when communication starts to break down. At the beginning of a relationship, couples often talk for hours, sharing their hopes, dreams and opinions with one another. But over time, they stop checking in, discussing their days, or making small talk.
When communication declines, couples miss out on opportunities to connect emotionally. They often end up bottling up grievances until resentment builds and they stop sharing their feelings altogether. As a counselor, I’ve found that re-establishing open, frequent communication is essential for overcoming this issue.
I advise couples to set aside time each day to talk, free of distractions. Sharing highlights from your day, bringing up problems when they occur, and being an attentive listener shows your spouse that they are a priority in your life. Communication keeps couples emotionally invested in one another.
2. Lack of Intimacy
While physical intimacy is impacted when a couple grows apart, I define intimacy more broadly. Intimacy is about closeness, which comes from emotional and intellectual connections as much as physical touch. Couples who laugh together, share activities, and know each other on a deep level maintain stronger bonds.
When spouses stop being affectionate, make excuses to avoid sex, or do not make an effort to spend quality time together, the intimacy in a marriage deteriorates. Reigniting intimacy requires carving out alone time, trying new shared experiences, and relearning your spouse’s likes, dislikes, hopes and fears. Do not let the spark go out – make intimacy a consistent priority.
3. Spending More Time Apart Than Together
In many long-term marriages, partners drift into independent lives, preferring to spend time with friends or immersed in hobbies. While some independence is healthy, when your default is being apart, it is a sign that you are not nurturing your marriage.
A thriving marriage requires dedicated time together. I counsel couples to evaluate their schedules and ensure they devote a few hours each week to dates and shared activities. Things like cooking meals together, taking walks, trying new restaurants, or doing chores as a team keep you engaged and unified. Make it a habit to choose togetherness.
4. Constant Irritation and Petty Fights
As the comfort level increases in a marriage, couples often start nitpicking and bickering over minor issues like loading the dishwasher or folding the laundry a certain way. While an occasional minor annoyance is normal, consistent irritation and criticism erode a marriage.
This sign indicates resentment or unresolved conflicts are present, even if couples do not realize it consciously. I help couples identify the root issues causing tension and establish healthier communication patterns. Once irritations are addressed, couples can return to a place of mutual understanding and respect.
5. Emotional Withdrawal
When one or both spouses start retreating into themselves, pulling away emotionally and avoiding interactions with their partner, it signals trouble in the marriage. Often under the surface, the withdrawing spouse feels neglected, criticism or a loss of connection.
In counseling, I have found that emotional withdrawal usually occurs when resentment has built up over time and a spouse gives up trying to address issues. Re-engaging these couples requires empathy, active listening and validating each other’s feelings. Emotional presence has to be restored for the marriage to heal.
6. Differing Values and Priorities
Over time, even couples who shared common values and goals when they married can develop divergent perspectives on finances, parenting, leisure time or career priorities. Different viewpoints are not problematic in themselves, but can strain a marriage when spouses are unable to accept each other’s values.
As a counselor, I help couples identify shared and individual priorities and reach compromises when needed. Even with differing values, a thriving marriage requires mutual respect, willingness to hear each other out, and making joint decisions. Alignment in some areas paired with compromise in others is key.
7. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling
These common negative communication patterns, known as “The Four Horsemen”, can seriously damage a marriage. Criticizing rather than complaining breeds resentment. Speaking to a partner with contempt shows disgust. Defensiveness and stonewalling shut down communication.
The antidote is learning healthy communication skills like “I” statements, validating partner’s perspectives even when you disagree, and taking breaks if interactions escalate into arguments. With practice, couples can eliminate the Four Horsemen, creating safety and mutual understanding. There is hope for change if both spouses are willing.
8. Addictions, Abuse and Infidelity
While more serious than other issues, addictions, domestic abuse and infidelity underlie many faltering marriages. When a spouse becomes dependent on substances, engages in physical violence/emotional manipulation, or is unfaithful, the marital foundation is broken.
Repairing the damage requires addressing the root causes through counseling and treatment programs. The offending spouse must take full accountability and commit to personal growth and rebuilding trust. For recovery, the victim needs support and assurances that amends are being made. With time and effort, marriages can overcome even major breaches.
There is Hope for Healing
If you recognize any of these signs in your own relationship, do not lose hope. The first step is identifying areas where your marriage is unhealthy and being willing to put in the hard work to get back on track. With professional guidance and renewed commitment to growth, even marriages that seem broken can be mended.
The key is restoring emotional intimacy and open communication. Relearn what drew you together, make enjoying quality time a priority and deal with problems as a team. When both spouses look inward, take responsibility for change and re-commit to the marriage, reconciliation is possible.
No marriage is perfect all the time. Each goes through periods of disconnection and unhappiness. By recognizing the signs early and re-investing in each other, you can get your relationship to a healthy, fulfilling place again. Though challenging, the effort is worthwhile, as you have invested so much in each other and built a life together.
If you need additional support, do not hesitate to reach out. As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience, I am here to help couples nurture their marriages. My approaches have helped many unhappy couples improve communication, process unresolved issues, and restore intimacy in their relationships. Please contact me today to schedule a consultation.
