Over my 15+ years counseling couples, I’ve seen all kinds of unhealthy relationship patterns emerge. One of the most complex is a phenomenon called “cushioning” – where one partner maintains flirtatious connections or backup romantic options while still committed. As a relationship expert passionate about nurturing healthy bonds, I aim to shed light on this troubling trend.
What is Cushioning and Why Does it Happen?
Cushioning refers to entertaining alternate romantic prospects to soften a potential breakup’s blow. It stems from attachment issues, fear of abandonment, and difficulty with commitment. The “cushions” provide validation and prevent aloneness amid relationship woes.
I’ve counseled individuals who engage in cushioning to uncover its roots. Often it links to past heartbreaks or childhood instability leading to an inability to depend wholly on one person. Though some view cushioning as wise self-preservation, it erodes trust and satisfaction.
1. Increased Phone Secrecy
Overprotectiveness and nervousness around devices signal inappropriate communications. I’ve seen cushioners change passwords, ignore calls around partners, and panic if anyone handles their phone. This evasiveness attempts to hide cushioning contacts but prevents true intimacy and fuels suspicions.
2. Vagueness About Plans
When cushioning, people tend to keep partners guessing about schedules. After asking about weekend plans, vague responses like “I’m not sure yet” arouse confusion. Cushioners fear commitment in case better options arise. By avoiding concrete plans, they keep doors open. This ambiguity leaves partners feeling deprioritized.
3. Emotional Distance
As cushioners redirect attention elsewhere, partners often report feeling disconnected, even abandoned. Conversations grow clipped and shallow rather than warm and nourishing. Sexual and nonsexual physical affection also diminishes. This deprives the relationship, preventing partners from voicing needs and cushioners from investing fully.
4. Flirtatious Social Media Activity
Online interactions aren’t inherently inappropriate but offer easier access to romantic alternatives. Excessive messaging, commenting, liking others’ posts signal cushioners ensuring backup options stay intrigued. Even private communications breach exclusivity bounds. Partners may feel undervalued observing this emotional infidelity.
5. Hot-and-Cold Behavior
Cushioners seem interested one day, then ignore partners the next. as focus wavers between current and prospective relationships. Their mood depends on whoever currently meets their needs. This intermittent reinforcement confuses partners, making them work harder for crumbs of affection. Over time, their self-worth suffers.
6. Defensiveness About New Contacts
Simple inquiries about unfamiliar names or numbers mentioned elicit disproportionate reactions in cushioners. Their cageyness aims to prevent disclosure of cushioning targets but reveals underlying guilt. These overblown responses frustrate partners, while attempts to clarify get stonewalled.
7. Reluctance to Commit
Rather than deepening intimacy, cushioners resist defining relationships or meeting families. They dodge discussions about future plans or timelines. Emotionally distant, cushioners focus on partners’ flaws to justify backup options. Unable to depend on cushioners’ divided loyalty, partners feel insecure.
8. Alienation from Support Systems
Cushioners subtly undermine their partners’ existing networks by dismissing friends’/families’ input. Without outside perspectives, partners become more reliant on cushioners for self-worth. This breeds compliance and reluctance to protest cushioning behavior that outsiders would likely flag.
9. Minimal Investment in the Relationship
Cushioners put minimal effort into nurturing their primary relationship. Though initially attentive, planning dates or giving gifts, their motivation fades once connection seems secured (but not abandoned). Their apathy leaves partners anxious to win back affection. Months pass before cushioners reboot the cycle.
10. Hypervigilance About Appearance
Cushioners constantly monitor their image to ensure desirability to new options. Fixation on fitness, beauty routines and provocative clothing often increases. Partners may initially feel flattered until realizing they’ve become a numb audience to someone else’s show.
11. Frequent Mentions of Attractive Alternatives
Even in monogamous relationships, noticing others is normal. However, cushioners tend to regularly highlight alluring strangers met randomly or online. This plants seeds to normalize backups while assessing partners’ reactions. Partners typically feel confused – unsure whether statements show transparency or signal wandering eyes/hearts.
12. Projecting Commitment Issues Onto Partners
Cushioners blame partners for the relationship’s issues, which truly stem from their own intimacy struggles. By claiming partners seem unavailable, untrustworthy or noncommittal, cushioners justify theirexit strategy. This gaslighting distracts from cushioners’ own behavior while deteriorating partners’ self-image and ability to self-advocate.
Why Does Cushioning Damage Relationships?
Cushioning erodes relationships in multiple ways:
It Violates Exclusivity
By maintaining romantic/sexual ties elsewhere, cushioners breach relationship parameters. Their affairs destabilize the foundation of trust, respect and security partners believed was mutually desired.
It Incites Chronic Stress
The secrecy surrounding cushioning creates ongoing anxiety for both cushioners and partners. Cushioners constantly worry about being caught while partners endure confusion and self-doubt from mixed signals.
It Distorts Reality
Cushioners distort partners’ perceptions of the relationship by twisting facts to justify cushioning or even blaming partners. These mind games make partners question their own judgment.
It Produces Emotional Neglect
Partners suffer emotional/physical neglect as cushioners invest elsewhere. Unmet needs combined with cushioners’ indifference severely impact partners’ self-confidence and wellbeing.
It Elicits Betrayal Trauma
The deception involved with hiding the full reality of one’s most serious romantic commitment can make partners feel their world is built on quicksand. Rebuilding stability after this profound betrayal becomes extremely challenging.
Healthier Approaches for Struggling Relationships
If you’re contemplating or engaging in cushioning, I encourage self-reflection about underlying personal issues or relationship concerns prompting this choice. Rather than betraying partners through cushioning, there are several healthier options, including:
Practice Transparency
Voice relationship dissatisfaction openly so both individuals can assess changes required or resolve to part ways respectfully if needs remain incompatible.
Seek Counseling
An objective therapist can uncover individual and interpersonal patterns driving the desire to cushion, helping set partners on healthier paths separately or together.
Discuss Taking a Break
If needing space to gain clarity, partners can mutually establish boundaries for temporarily separating while determining compatibility.
End the Commitment Ethically
If cushioning stems from a disengaged heart, initiating an honest breakup allows both parties to heal and seek more fulfilling bonds with others.
I know relationships require constant nurturing. My goal is supporting clients in creating the mutually caring partnerships they deserve or releasing bonds gracefully when alignment falters. If you have concerns, know that you don’t have to struggle alone.
