As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I’ve seen my share of marriages – from fledgling newlyweds to couples celebrating 50 years together. And while every marriage is unique, I’ve found common threads that help couples stand the test of time.
A successful marriage takes effort and commitment from both partners. It’s built on mutual trust, respect, compassion, communication, and intimacy. Maintaining that connection amid the stresses of careers, parenting, health issues and more is an ongoing process. But armed with the right insights, any couple can strengthen their bond for the long haul.
Here are my top 15 tips to help you build a marriage to last:
1. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
When the initial passion fades, what remains to fuel your bond? Shared fondness and admiration are vital. Make regular, conscious efforts to appreciate your partner’s positive qualities and express why they inspire you – even when life gets overly routine. Recognize their little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness too. This fondness serves as an emotional touchstone when times get tough.
2. Turn Towards Each Other
Be fully present and engaged when connecting with your spouse. Put down devices, establish eye contact, and focus completely on them and the conversation. Even if they’re just chatting about their day, turning toward them demonstrates care and concern. Shared attention breeds intimacy and paves the way for deeper disclosure.
3. Compromise Intelligently
Disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them impacts marital success. Seek win-win solutions that satisfy both parties instead of insisting on “being right.” Pick your battles wisely by recognizing what really matters – and when minor annoyances just aren’t worth an argument. Compromise while still standing firm on your core needs and values.
4. Celebrate the Good
Don’t let mounting responsibilities and stresses obscure all the blessing in your marriage. Make a point to regularly celebrate positives – anniversaries, milestones, new adventures. And sprinkle in little joys too, like dinner out after a grueling workweek or declaring an impromptu living room dance party. Delighting in life together offsets temporary troubles.
5. Set Aside Sacred Time
Carve out consistent one-on-one time where it’s just you and your spouse, with no distractions. Use this opportunity for deeper conversations that nurture emotional and physical intimacy. Discuss hopes, dreams, fears – reinforce your couple identity beyond daily logistics. Date nights are great, but simple rituals like an evening walk together also help couples reconnect.
6. Communicate Openly and Often
Sound communication is absolutely essential for any healthy relationship. Continually check in with your partner about needs, frustrations, joys and more. Ask thoughtful questions to better understand their inner world. And share vulnerably too. Open, empathic communication prevents pent-up resentment and misunderstandings that can undermine marital success.
7. Establish Shared Meaning and Purpose
Beyond romance, couples who endure have a sense of meaning and purpose in their partnership – values, dreams, ceremonial traditions that reinforce their bond. Identify spiritual beliefs, family priorities, service goals or other profound pillars that define your marriage’s deeper significance. Revisiting these reminds you that you’re on the same team.
8. Don’t Assume or Take for Granted
It’s easy to make unfair assumptions about a partner’s motives as relationships become more familiar. But projecting suspicions breeds distrust and conflict. Instead, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and take time to understand their words and actions. Also express heartfelt appreciation for all they contribute, never taking those efforts for granted.
9. Allow Each Other to Grow
While forging a strong couple identity, both partners should also have space to grow into their best, most actualized selves. Support your spouse as they pursue personal passions and dreams, evolve perspectives and expand comfort zones. This prevents stagnation and resentment. Your relationship is strengthened when individuals flourish.
10. Establish Relationship Protective Factors
Certain rituals safeguard marital success, including: regular date nights, annual vacations, collaborative goal-setting, family traditions. Establish these as sacred fixtures in your partnership. They provide stability amidst life’s inevitable chaos. Even when you’re pulled in multiple directions by other obligations, these priorities reinforce your identity as a couple.
11. Fight Fairly
All couples argue, but how you argue impacts the relationship. Establish guidelines like no name-calling, ultimatums or stomping off mid-argument. Instead, use “I feel…” statements, reflect each other’s perspective and find solutions. It’s also okay to table some arguments. Revisit with cooler heads rather than escalating out of exhaustion or irritation. The goal is resolution, not defeat.
12. Practice forgiveness and Grace
Letting resentment or grudges fester slowly poisons a marriage. Instead, grant your partner – and yourself – grace. Recognize you both have flaws and regrets. Apologize sincerely for mistakes and humbly forgive when your spouse falters too. Releasing past hurts to focus on the future strengthens your bond.
13. Intentionally Use the Family Language
After years together, couples develop subtle communication shortcuts – facial expressions, phrases, references – that reinforce belonging and intimate understanding. Consciously sprinkle this “family language” into interactions. It conveys the message, “You know me, you understand me – and through all of life’s changes, we still connect.”
14. Keep Physical Intimacy Alive
Sexual connection helps marriages thrive emotionally and physically. Make intimacy a priority amid busy schedules. Flirt, surprise each other with romantic gestures, try new things together. Emotional closeness outside the bedroom also bolsters sexual chemistry. So guard sacred time for non-sexual affection too – cuddling, massage, sweet bedtime rituals.
15. Tackle External Stressors Together
When life gets stressful – job changes, moves, grief, trauma – rally together as a solid support unit. Be patient and empathetic through difficulties, not taking out frustrations on each other. Share anxieties and burdens. Celebrate persevering another stormy season, which ultimately deepens your roots. Your marriage should provide a shelter in times of emotional upheaval.
There you have it – 15 research-backed strategies for establishing and maintaining a healthy, resilient marriage for the long run. Of course, every couple and relationship is wonderfully unique. So build on these tips in ways that nurture your own love story. When both partners are invested in the marriage’s well-being, you have a solid foundation. With open hearts, patience during trials, and consistent devotion, your love can outlast all storms.