As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I’ve seen my fair share of what makes marriages work…and what makes them fail. Through it all, I’ve identified 12 key traits that the most successful, long-lasting marriages have in common. These are not abstract ideas but practical building blocks forged through compromise, trust, and selflessness.
In my experience, couples who embody these 12 traits stand the test of time and create loving, supportive partnerships that enrich each other’s lives for decades. Those who struggle to uphold these traits often find themselves stuck in patterns of conflict and dissatisfaction.
1. Open Communication
Open and honest communication is the lifeblood of any healthy marriage. In one study of nearly 400 elderly couples married 30+ years, most credited good communication for their lasting unions.
Partners in happy marriages make time to connect face-to-face daily. They discuss problems right away rather than letting them fester, always lead with empathy and compassion. Even when arguing, they avoid accusation and blame, instead seeking win-win compromises. This foundation of openness creates intimacy and paves the way for resolving larger issues down the road.
2. Unwavering Commitment
In the same study, researchers concluded commitment was a key factor in long marriages. The happiest elderly couples viewed their unions as covenants to uphold through good times and bad. They avoided threats of divorce during conflicts and focused on reconciliation.
Partners in thriving marriages honor their vows, putting their relationship first before individual wants and needs. They withstand hard seasons with tenacity and teamwork, avoiding the temptation to bail when things get tough. This steadfast pledge to each other despite imperfections fosters security and emotional safety.
3. Daily Kindness
Simple acts of everyday kindness are mighty glue binding happy couples together. Researchers developed an equation predicting marital longevity with 94% accuracy. The main components? Positive behaviors like small gifts, acts of service, affection, and quality time.
Couples who go the distance purposefully look for opportunities to lift each other up. They give sincere compliments, celebrate victories, empathize during hard times, and frequently say “I love you.” This regular thoughtfulness keeps hearts intertwined even when problems arise.
4. Mutual Acceptance
No one is perfect, so maintaining realistic standards is essential in an enduring marriage. Couples who go decades without major conflict accept each other fully. They offer grace for mistakes, avoiding keeping score or withdrawing affection as punishment.
Spouses in harmonious marriages know simmering resentment kills intimacy. They let annoyances roll off their back. Partners discuss grievances objectively without dredging up the past. This atmosphere of unconditional support provides safety to be transparent about flaws and fears.
5. Shared Respect
Nothing corrodes a marriage faster than contempt and criticism. Without mutual respect, both partners end up feeling attacked and unvalued. This quicksand pulls intimacy, trust and passion completely out of the relationship.
In vibrant, lifelong unions, respect flows freely both ways. Spouses honor each other’s autonomy, opinions and decisions as equals. They build each other up verbally in public and make sacrifices to support individual dreams. This esteem demonstrates “you are worthy of honor” regardless of imperfections.
6. Compromise
Two unique individuals will seldom see eye-to-eye on everything. Navigating these differences requires give-and-take from both spouses. Partners who avoid “my way or the highway” attitudes compromise to achieve win-win scenarios.
In incredible marriages, spouses consider each other’s happiness and willingly meet in the middle. They don’t tally or compare concessions but freely alter opinions or behaviors out of love. This flexibility cements them as a cohesive team ready to accommodate changing hopes and dreams.
7. Shared Spiritual Connection
Research shows couples who attend religious services together enjoy higher relationship satisfaction. Shared spiritual values provide a north star guiding big decisions and conflict resolution. Belief in a higher purpose fuels resilience during hardship.
Partners who pray together and serve their faith community side-by-side bond more deeply. Common core values reduce arguments on key issues like parenting styles, financial priorities and intimacy boundaries. This spiritual foundation offers a ready-made support network and marriage-enriching principles.
8. Trust
Without complete confidence in a partner’s fidelity and integrity, fear cripples emotional intimacy. Doubting motives generates suspicion that poisons even innocent interactions. Partners who continually prove themselves untrustworthy inflict deeper wounds with each violation.
The happiest couples nurture transparent trust daily. They operate with integrity, maintain appropriate boundaries and confess wrongdoing quickly. Spouses feel safe being vulnerable, expressing needs openly without judgement. This faith provides a sanctuary for hearts to rest, recharge and risk together again.
9. Intimacy
Great sex serves a crucial bonding function in marriage. But emotional intimacy matters even more. Partners who cuddle, hold hands, kiss, snuggle and gaze into each other’s eyes daily feel closer and more connected.
Couples celebrating silver and golden anniversaries actively safeguard their friendship. They chat for hours, joke, tickle, dance and linger over meals. Regular non-sexual intimacy paves the way for steamy sex by nurturing fondness and affection. Partners who invest consistent time enjoying each other’s company keep romance alive.
10. Forgiveness
Even the best marriages encounter lies, betrayal, neglect or thoughtlessness requiring forgiveness. How conflicts get resolved determines whether the union dissolves or grows stronger long-term.
The happiest couples offer grace freely. They acknowledge hurt while avoiding score-keeping and grudge-holding. Spouses discuss wounds objectively, validate each other’s feelings and collaborate on reconciling. This merciful stance heals hearts, restores trust and deepens commitment.
11. Fun & Laughter
Playfulness serves like glue keeping partners bonded when life gets stressful. Shared fun activities relieve tension and facilitate deeper connections. Humor helps smooth over awkward moments and arguments. Inside jokes bring the conspiracy of a team facing the world together.
Couples still embracing and giggling after decades purposefully inject play into their relationship. They explore new hobbies, travel adventures and passion projects side-by-side. Partners who laugh together regularly even during conflict remain on the same team.
12. Teamwork
Marriage merges two unique people into one organism. Decisions, goals, and dilemmas affecting one inevitably impact the other. Spouses choosing an “us against the problem” rather than a “you vs me” approach handle challenges with solidarity.
In happy lifelong marriages, team spirit rules supreme. Partners tackle obstacles, parent, manage money, and resolve conflict viewing each other as allies. They celebrate mutual victories and console each other during losses or failures. This unified perspective cements fondness and respect through turbulent seasons.
Final Thoughts
Developing these 12 traits requires humility, self-awareness and commitment from both partners. Without intentionality, the chaos of careers, kids, grief and conflict slowly erodes them. But couples who continually nurture these foundational habits enjoy increasingly rewarding marriages for decades.
After walking with hundreds of couples on their journey, I’m convinced these principles hold the key to marital success and longevity. Partners who embrace mutual service, communication and sacrifice position themselves to thrive through whatever may come. My prayer is these pillars offer you and your spouse a compass pointing towards deeper joy and connection for years ahead.
