As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling married couples, I have seen the issue of flirting come up time and time again. Many of my clients confess to me that they have flirted with people outside of their marriage, while others come to me deeply hurt that their spouse has crossed the line with seemingly innocent interactions.
I myself have been married for over a decade, so I understand the allure of flirting and the affirmation it can provide. However, as both a professional and a spouse, I have learned that there are clear lines between playful banter and emotional infidelity. Through my work, I aim to define those boundaries for other couples and help them build stronger, happier marriages.
Why Do Married People Flirt?
Flirting, at its core, is a way for us to connect with other human beings. We flirt to feel desirable and to forge new bonds, even if we have no intention of taking things further. Many married people flirt for some of the following reasons:
- They crave variety and attention from someone new
- The spark has faded in their marriage and flirting elicits excitement
- It’s an ego boost to still feel attractive to others
- They have an underlying desire for intimacy that’s unfulfilled
- It reminds them of the butterflies of a new romance
These motivations are all valid, but acting on them can damage your commitment to your spouse. As human beings, our attraction to others never completely fades. Learning to channel those feelings in a healthy manner is key for any marriage.
The Dangers of Flirting While Married
While some married people believe harmless flirtation should be acceptable, it’s a slippery slope. Flirting with someone other than your spouse, no matter how innocent it may seem, can lead to:
Emotional Affairs
Developing a close bond with another person deprives your marriage of the attention and effort it deserves. If you share intimate details, fears, and affection with this outside person, it constitutes emotional cheating.
Damaged Trust
Even if you never intend for an emotional or physical affair, consistently flirting hurts your partner’s ability to trust you. They may grow suspicious, angry, insecure, or controlling.
Public Embarrassment
If your flirtatious behavior is noticed by others, it could damage your and your spouse’s reputation. Friends and family may see your marriage as unstable.
gateway to Physical Affairs
The excitement of a new attraction coupled with opportunity can lead from flirting to cheating faster than you expect. Even strong commitments crumble under certain circumstances.
While the urge to flirt is natural, we all must establish boundaries if we want our marriage to thrive. Communicate with your partner so you’re both on the same page.
Defining Inappropriate Flirting While Married
Many married people aren’t sure where exactly to draw the line when it comes to flirting. Use the following guide to determine if your interactions with an attractive acquaintance have gone too far:
You Hide It from Your Spouse
My golden rule is that any behavior you feel compelled to hide has likely crossed a boundary. If your spouse witnessed your flirting, would they be upset or hurt? If so, it’s best to refrain.
There’s Sexual Undertones
Comments about appearance, sexual jokes, seductive body language and any physical contact beyond a quick hug all imply sexual interest, even if you don’t intend to act on it. Tread carefully here.
You Crave Their Attention
Do you find yourself eager for your next interaction? Do you replay compliments over in your head? If someone consumes your thoughts this way, you may have an emotional affair brewing.
You Share Intimate Details About Your Marriage
Complaining to an attractive outsider about issues in your marriage forges an intimacy that threatens its foundation. Save those conversations for a counselor or your spouse.
You Hide Interactions From Your Spouse
If you intentionally conceal a friendship or gloss over how often you interact, alarm bells should sound. Honesty and transparency are essential in marriage.
There’s Ambiguity
Flirting often allows room for interpretation so no one gets rejected or embarrassed. If you leave questions in their mind about your intentions, you likely crossed a line.
Staying firmly on the right side of these boundaries ensures flirtation remains playful and harmless. Crossing them damages trust and threatens commitment. When in doubt, ask yourself how you would feel if roles were reversed.
How to Flirt Safely When Married
I don’t advise married people to seek out flirting opportunities as that indicates underlying issues are not being addressed. However, innocent flirtation will occur organically in daily life. When it does:
- Make sure your wedding ring is visible. This subtle gesture clues others in on your marital status, deterring any misleading signals.
- Do not initiate or reciprocate overtly sexual banter. Shut it down politely before things get too steamy. A simple “I’m flattered, but married” sends the right message.
- Keep things short and sweet. Don’t let a flirty chat drag on too long. Exchange a few compliments and part ways to eliminate temptation and send mixed signals.
- Rave about your spouse. Mentioning how wonderful your partner is indirectly communicates any flirtation is good-natured fun, not serious intent.
Remember that the safest bet is to flirt with your spouse instead! A healthy marriage requires consistent effort, so be sure you’re investing enough time and energy into romance at home.
Talking to Your Spouse About Flirting
Bringing up jealousy, flirting, and infidelity fears can feel awkward, but open communication is crucial in marriage. If you suspect your spouse is crossing the line:
- Remain calm and kind in your approach. Accusations or anger will only breed defensiveness and hostility, not honesty.
- Use “I feel…” statements to express why their behavior upsets you, rather than blaming outright. This invites dialogue rather than arguments.
- Define what you consider inappropriate together. Comparing your personal boundaries around flirting prevents future misunderstandings.
- Discuss underlying issues like boredom, rejection, or lack of intimacy that may motivate extra attention from others. Then you can address the root problem.
If staying wholly faithful feels challenging for either partner, seeking counseling is wise. Therapists help you uncover root issues and teach skills for better communication and connection.
In Conclusion
Flirting when married walks a fine line between harmless fun and risky threat to your commitment. With care and intention, you can enjoy some innocent flattery without endangering what you have built with your spouse.
Pay attention to your motivations, maintain transparency, communicate your boundaries, and invest in your marriage above all else. If you or your partner still struggle with flirtation even after open talks, don’t hesitate to seek professional support. With a little help, you can get back on track toward a healthy, thriving relationship for years to come.
