In my 15+ years as a relationship coach counseling couples, I’ve seen the highs and lows of all kinds of relationships. While every partnership has its challenges, some veer into truly toxic territory, slowly poisoning the lives of both people involved.
As a caregiver at heart, my mission is to empower people to nurture healthy, supportive relationships. That starts by recognizing when a relationship turns toxic.
So what exactly makes a relationship “toxic”? Essentially, it’s when the bad starts to severely outweigh the good on an ongoing basis. More specifically, here are 15 potential red flags I’ve learned to watch out for:
1. Constant Criticism and Belittling
Disrespect in the form of criticism, insults, mocking, and belittling has no place in a loving relationship. If your partner frequently humiliates or demeans you, especially in front of other people, it can severely damage your self-worth over time.
I once had a client whose husband called her “stupid” and “incapable” so often she started to believe it herself. His toxic words ate away at the foundation of trust and care a marriage needs to thrive.
2. The Silent Treatment
It’s perfectly understandable for couples to need space after an argument to calm down before continuing the conversation. However, when one partner stonewalls the other for hours or days through the so-called “silent treatment,” it exerts unfair control over communication.
Silence becomes a weapon used to punish, rather than a temporary cooling down period. This can breed resentment and dysfunction over the long haul.
3. Manipulation Through Isolation
While it’s healthy for couples to have outside interests and friends, a toxic partner may try to isolate you from other people in your life as a way to exert control. For example, they might speak poorly of close friends and family members in an attempt to undermine those relationships.
I’ve had clients whose partners slowly cut them off from their support networks by feeding insecurities and lies so that they became more dependent on the toxic partner. This isolation and codependency can be incredibly damaging.
4. Extreme Financial Control
Maintaining transparency around finances is wise, but when one partner assumes sole control of money in the relationship, refusing to allow the other partner any access or spending ability, that suggests toxicity.
Financial abuse often coexists with other forms of abuse and controlling behaviors. Over time it can make the other partner feel trapped, helpless, and unable to freely make choices that are best for themselves or the relationship.
5. You Feel Unsafe, Physically or Emotionally
Feeling physically unsafe around your partner for even a moment means the relationship has turned unequivocally toxic and you may need to safely exit.
But a general lack of emotional safety can also plague unhealthy relationships. If you feel unable to transparently share emotions, insecurities, concerns or disagreements without retaliation, that suggests deep dysfunction.
I once worked with a woman whose partner would fly into unpredictable rages when she shared vulnerabilities like her grief over losing a parent. She learned it was safer to hide her authentic feelings, but this ate away at her sense of intimacy.
6. Blame Shifting
It’s normal for both parties to take ownership of their role in conflicts – that’s a sign of relationship maturity. But when one partner constantly shifts blame and avoids taking responsibility for their actions, that gets toxic fast.
I’ve had clients stuck in cyclical arguments because their partner kept making excuses, blaming them for provoking bad behavior, or bringing up their past mistakes rather than acknowledging their own. This prevents healthy conflict resolution.
7. Friends/Family Express Concern
Our closest confidants often have insights into our relationships we ourselves lack, because they see the relationship more objectively. If the people who genuinely care about you have expressed concerns, it’s wise to tune in.
I once worked with a woman whose whole family pulled her aside to say her aggressive, manipulative boyfriend seemed “off.” She had made excuses for him before but is now very glad she eventually listened. Her loved ones recognized toxic behaviors she had minimized.
8. Relationship Isn’t Prioritized
When a partner frequently puts other interests before their partner or the relationship itself, it breeds hurt and resentment over the long term. Their words may say “you are important to me” but their actions scream that you’ll always come second-string.
For example, one of my clients was frustrated that her husband always prioritized watching sports over spending quality time with her at the end of long workdays. He kept insisting nothing was wrong, but his behavior showed where she actually ranked on his list.
9. Sarcasm Has Become The Primary Communication Style
Playful teasing between partners can certainly be loving and fun when used thoughtfully. But when sarcasm becomes someone’s main way of interacting, that suggests underlying bitterness and contempt.
Over time, constantly making “jokes” at your partner’s expense instead of communicating directly can seriously corrode intimacy and trust. The recipient may feel deeply hurt but struggle to speak up out of confusion over “but they were just joking…”
10. Constant Gaslighting
Gaslighting refers to frequent lies, distortions of reality, misdirections and invalidations used to make someone question their own judgment and perceptions. It’s a profoundly toxic way for one partner to wield psychological influence over the other.
For example, I worked with a man whose wife would often angrily accuse him of saying or doing hurtful things he knew never happened. When he denied it, she denied having ever said he did them in the first place, making him feel crazy.
Over months and years this insidious emotional manipulation can really undermine someone’s trust in themself and stable sense of reality.
11. Stonewalling During Conflict
While a brief break during arguments can be helpful, stonewalling refers to one partner entirely shutting down. They may ignore questions, refuse to respond, walk away without warning, or give other indications the discussion is completely over no matter how the other partner may feel about it.
This exertion of control over when and how disagreements get resolved breeds conflict-avoidance instead of intimacy. I’ve had clients who felt they were left emotionally abandoned anytime serious issues came up because their partner simply checked out.
12. Demeaning “Jokes” About Leaving or Cheating
For folks who have abandonment wounds or past relationship betrayals, jokes about cheating or leaving can be deeply upsetting and erode a sense of security. Even for those without such sensitivities, these repeated “jokes” take an emotional toll over time.
I saw this recently with a client whose partner kept jokingly alluding to an ex who would take her back anytime. At first she laughed it off. But his constant references planted seeds of doubt that eventually grew into anxiety about him wanting out.
13. Empathy and Support Feels Non-Existent
Do you feel frequently invalidated when sharing problems or disappointments? Does your partner dismiss difficulties you face or even criticize you instead of listening? A relationship lacking in empathy and compassion is emotionally exhausting.
I worked with a man struggling with debt whose wife kept berating and blaming him anytime he tried opening up about the stress he felt. Her cold, unsupportive reactions left him feeling incredibly lonely in the marriage.
14. Eggshells Have Replaced Solid Ground
Do you find yourself constantly nervous about saying or doing something wrong that could set off your partner’s anger, criticism, or silent withdrawals? ThisAttempt tip-toeing around to avoid sparking their disapproval suggests profound dysfunction.
I had one client who started panic attacks because she never knew what might make her girlfriend lash out on any given day. She felt like she was walking on eggshells 24/7 to try mitigating the severity of outbursts.
15. Your Needs Always Come Last
Healthy compromise is crucial to relationships – fulfilling your partner’s needs brings joy when you know yours will be filled too eventually. But recurrently ignoring or dismissing your needs while demanding you meet theirs above all else is toxic.
I’ve had clients stuck in relationships where their wants and wellbeing were viewed as irrelevant. For example, one wife’s husband refused to limit his drinking despite the fact his alcoholism was severely damaging their family. His desires came first no matter how she expressed her profound unhappiness.
In closing, I hope shining a light on these 15 potential signs of relationship toxicity can empower you evaluate whether your own partnerships are emotionally safe and mutually supportive. Every relationship takes effort, but one that regularly leaves you feeling hurt, lonely, dismissed or mistreated takes far more energy to sustain than it returns.
You deserve to have your needs met and walk away unapologetically from situations that suffocate your spirit. My door is always open to help give you clarity if you feel stuck in relationship patterns that no longer serve you. You have the power to choose different for yourself starting today.
