As a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience counseling couples, I have seen my fair share of relationships fall apart due to ignored red flags and unaddressed deal breakers. A deal breaker refers to any behavior, belief, or situation that you know you cannot tolerate in a relationship. I have compiled the most common deal breakers that corrode even the healthiest of bonds if left unchecked.
What Are Some Of The Most Common Deal Breakers In A Relationship?
Over the years advising couples, I have noticed the following deal breakers tend to be the root cause of most relationship breakdowns:
Emotional Abuse
One major deal breaker is emotional abuse – where one partner constantly insults, criticizes, or puts down the other verbally. This form of abuse corrodes self-esteem and mental health. I’ve had clients stuck in toxic relationships merely because their partner’s words destroyed their self-worth to the point where they felt unlovable. Emotional abuse qualifies as a top indicator of a harmful relationship that calls for walking away.
Cheating
Infidelity represents the highest level of distrust. I’ve had countless clients struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression after being cheated on. It is a choice, not a mistake – making it one of the biggest relationship deal breakers. Those who get cheated on begin doubting their self-worth and ability to sustain healthy bonds. Unless both partners consciously work on healing, cheating often becomes a deal breaker for continuing the relationship.
Physical Abuse
Any physical violence that intends to cause harm is unacceptable. Period. I strictly advise all clients facing physical abuse to walk away immediately and get help from local authorities if needed. The traumatic effects of physical abuse extend far beyond just battering the body, causing long-term psychological and emotional damage as well.
Extreme Anger Issues
Uncontrolled expressions of anger are dangerous red flags that must be addressed via counseling and therapy. If a partner frequently destroys property, makes threats, or gets physical in their anger outbursts, consider it an unignorable deal breaker. You never know what could trigger such a person or who could get accidentally caught in their crossfire in the heat of the moment.
Lying & Dishonesty
Relationships bank on mutual trust, which gets eroded every time lies and deceit enter the picture. Dishonest partners lie about meeting exes, hide aspects of their life from you, and can even pretend to love you while seeing others – all deal breakers for healthy relationships that require openness and transparency. Lack of honesty makes one question what else their partner could be hiding or lying about.
Financial Irresponsibility
Frivolous spending habits, unchecked shopping sprees, gambling issues and the inability to stick to a budget are all signs of financial instability. Money matters can put undue stress on relationships. Partners should communicate openly on spending patterns, debt management and financial goals for the future. Being financially incompatible is a perfectly valid deal breaker to call it quits.
What Steps Can You Take To Handle These Deal Breakers?
No two relationships are exactly alike, so deal breaker responses need to be tailored case-by-case. However, based on my experience, here is my step-by-step approach:
1. Communicate Clearly
Have an open discussion about the deal breaking behavior with your partner. Use “I feel…” statements to express your thoughts without blaming or accusing. Ask questions to understand why your partner acts this way. Miscommunication and incorrect assumptions only complicate matters further.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
State explicitly what you can or cannot tolerate in the relationship going forward. Outline your expectations and limits assertively yet compassionately. Boundaries are essential because they provide clear metrics to assess effort and progress.
3. Seek Couples Counseling
An objective third party like a relationship coach or counselor can uncover root causes behind toxic behaviors. Counseling equips couples with healthy communication and conflict resolution techniques. If both partners are willing to work on themselves, counseling can save relationships.
4. Involve Family & Friends
Don’t isolate yourself if things get abusive or traumatic. Lean on trusted friends and family for emotional assistance and practical help. In dire cases, get law enforcement authorities involved. Your safety should be the number one priority. Ask loved ones to check in on you.
5. Make A Safety Exit Plan
If you choose to leave, be smart about it. Make copies of essential documents and leave them with friends/family beforehand. Open your own bank account and save up discreetly if possible. Have an exit strategy in place before confronting your partner to ensure physical safety. If violence is anticipated, have someone on standby or inform authorities.
While no one can decide what counts as a deal breaker for you, keeping the above guidelines in mind can help you handle them in a constructive manner focused on resolution. I’ve used this framework successfully over the years to salvage relationships deemed beyond saving by many clients at first.
What Are Some Healthy Ways To Communicate Deal Breakers To Your Partner?
Bringing up deal breakers with a partner can be an uncomfortable conversation. Based on techniques I teach couples, here are healthy communication strategies I recommend:
1. Find The Right Setting
Choosing an appropriate time and place to chat is half the battle won. Address deal breakers in a safe, private space free of external distractions. Never discuss trigger topics publicly or around children/family to avoid things escalating unnecessarily.
2. Watch Your Tone
A confrontational, aggressive tone will only evoke defensiveness. Speak firmly yet gently. Channel compassion and a willingness to understand where your partner is coming from. Curb knee-jerk reactions even if you feel hurt or betrayed in the moment.
3. Use lots Of “I” Statements
Discuss how certain behaviors make YOU feel using I statements. For example, “I feel scared when you yell” instead of “You are so angry all the time.” This avoids placing blame directly on someone. Saying “I feel unhappy when plans get cancelled last minute” is better than saying “You are so inconsiderate.”
4. Find Common Ground
Reassure your partner that you value their perspective too. State areas where you both align. Affirm shared goals like wanting to nurture a loving bond. Mutual understanding sets the tone for a open-minded, non-judgemental dialogue where both parties feel heard.
5. Remain Solution-Focused
Rather than just point out what’s going wrong, also suggest fixes. For instance, dealing with anger via therapy, attending couples counseling, or taking a social media detox. Welcome your partner’s input too. Brainstorm compromises if you disagree initally. The focus should be on resolution, not retaliation.
Bringing up uncomfortable topics with care, tact and empathy gives relationships the best chance at growth. Introspect honestly before branding certain behaviors as total deal breakers. Of course, your personal safety and well-being should take top priority when decidng to stay or go. With willingness from both sides, even seemingly toxic relationships can transform into nourishing, lifelong bonds.